Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
