I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
