I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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