seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
