apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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