I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
