did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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