I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
