Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
