How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
