Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
