Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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