The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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