Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
