he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
