Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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