he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
