Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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