tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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