i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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