Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
