just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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