I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
