Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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