it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
