My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
