Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize