Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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