It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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