Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
