im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
