If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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