I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
