A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
