If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
