The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
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We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
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Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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