I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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