I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
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We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
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I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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