I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
