I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He better not be in your backpack
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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