I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
