So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
