The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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