We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
