im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
