Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
