they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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