i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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