So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
