she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
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apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He shit in the fireplace