Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.