and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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