JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
