u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
