i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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