I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
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Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
this hospital has no fireball
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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