My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
