matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
