she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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